Where Are You!!!

April, 1990:
“Papa, what is a mela!!!!”
He looked at me and said “A place where you get lot of toys”.
“Ohh!!! That Singh uncle’s shop”. I frowned as I expected something more exciting.
“No beta, I meant lots of shops”.
“Papa you know!!! Pinki went to the mela yesterday with her mamma and papa”.
After a pause I asked “Will you take us there?”
“It’s far in the city. Ok let’s see!!” He replied while arranging some of his files.

I went to kitchen and asked Ma “Please Ma lets go, I will buy only one toy”.
She smiled and asked “Where!!!”
”Ask Prabhakar aunty where they went yesterday and give the address to papa; it seems he doesn’t know the place”. Her smile became more prominent and said “ok!! first you have your breakfast”.
”Ma!!! I will count up to 50 and will recite the multiplication table of 1 right up to 1X10”
I started counting at top of my voice “one, two, three.....” and followed her wherever she went; kitchen to bedroom to veranda and finally she said “Ok!!! I will talk to your papa”.

In evening papa came earlier than his usual time. “Get ready fast. We are going to mela”.
’Yeeaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!’ I jumped off my bed, got into my slippers and ran to pinki’s house, to check which toy she had bought exactly. What I found was a Barbie doll but there was commando jeep too. ‘Hey!! Whose jeep is that?’
‘That’s for my cousin brother’, she replied.

I came back with the same speed, almost breathless, “Papa.....”
Took a deep breath
“Papa...... it’s commando jeep.” My eyebrows stretched right into my forehead and smile was as wide as it could be.
“Relax, beta.....now get ready”

Really it was very far, it took us around 1 hour to reach there.
It was very crowded and I took some time to absorb what a mela is.
I was excited to find so many toy shops at one place but at times was getting bored when papa was going into some book shops.

“Papa leave my hand once, there is a pebble inside my shoe”. He left my hand; I took it out and held his fingers again. Standing at the ground I could only see the legs moving, I marked my father with his black pant.
I followed the blank pant and was happy that he came out of the book shop.

I looked up “Papa........now comman..d..o...” words dried in my mouth “You are not my papa”.
The man looked down and said....something......I said my name in a very trembling voice. I checked his pant colour again, it was black. He again said something in louder voice and I couldn’t hold it further I started crying ‘Ma........Ma...’ I couldn’t find them anywhere. My eyes roved everywhere, I cried louder, then I saw a brown pant, looked up, his dress and cap told me he is a police. The man said something to him and went away.
He took me near the main gate and gave me a chair to seat. He helped me as I struggled to climb on it.
I cried for all most 15 mins......and then I was wheezing.......Probably for the first time I in life I felt insecure I realized who my world is and without whom I am so alone.
I closed my eyes and said to GOD “Gimme back my Ma and papa and my sister..........I will do my homework......and won’t steal my sister’s chocolate”.

Police uncle came near to me and lifted me in his arms. I might have reminded him of his grandson or son or someone in his life.
“Ghar Kahaan hai”’
I said “Baroda”.
“I know ‘Baroda’ but where in Baroda”
I pointed my finger towards a driver less auto-rickshaw waiting outside the gate and said “He knows!!! He knows my school, drawing school......and he took me here with my Ma, papa and Sister!!! “
He smiled ....rather laughed, “ok ok samajh gaya”.
He put me back in the chair.
After a while, he offered me water.
As I lifted the glass and tilted it to drink, I saw HIM, from the corner of my eyes and screamed ‘PAPA’........the whole glass of water splashed on me ........as both of my hands went upwards may be out of jubilation or the relief.

Before police uncle could help me, I jumped off the chair; I fell, but got up and ran.
I ran .............clutched him around his knees, he lifted me up close to him, there was the same expression on his face as of mine...........may be out of jubilation or the relief. I started crying, rubbing my face on his shoulders.....I felt comfortable.......I felt happy ........I felt secure.
He said something to police uncle, shook hands and we left.
He asked “hey!!! Why are you crying now, I am here. We have found the commando jeep”.
”I don’t want jeep, please take me to Ma, where is she, why didn’t she came along with you.”
“She is searching you in the other part”.
I spotted Ma and didi at a distance; I went to her, she lifted me up and kissed me.

20 years passed after that...................

Almost everything changed except those which really matters to me. I am still a kid at home. Ma, papa and didi treat me as a kid and I behave as if I am really a one.
Some things should never change

Today it has been almost 7 years since I am staying away from them. Reasons are many my study, my job.
Sometime I feel as lonely as I felt in that mela. I feel strangulated. But then the desire of achieving a new commando jeep everyday compels me to continue. Sometime I ponder, can these commando jeeps make me happy.
My grandma used to say “Son whatever tastiest curry you get but you can’t enjoy that until you don’t have rice on your plate”. Ya I am not enjoying them without my Ma, papa and my sister.
Still I long for............. those walks in the evening with Ma when I used to tell her what happened in school.........those nights when I used to clutch my papa around his tummy and would fall asleep..............those silly pranks I used play on my didi.

The tears rolled down my cheeks but I wiped them off before my roomie could see them.
After all, men are not supposed to cry