Where Are You!!!

April, 1990:
“Papa, what is a mela!!!!”
He looked at me and said “A place where you get lot of toys”.
“Ohh!!! That Singh uncle’s shop”. I frowned as I expected something more exciting.
“No beta, I meant lots of shops”.
“Papa you know!!! Pinki went to the mela yesterday with her mamma and papa”.
After a pause I asked “Will you take us there?”
“It’s far in the city. Ok let’s see!!” He replied while arranging some of his files.

I went to kitchen and asked Ma “Please Ma lets go, I will buy only one toy”.
She smiled and asked “Where!!!”
”Ask Prabhakar aunty where they went yesterday and give the address to papa; it seems he doesn’t know the place”. Her smile became more prominent and said “ok!! first you have your breakfast”.
”Ma!!! I will count up to 50 and will recite the multiplication table of 1 right up to 1X10”
I started counting at top of my voice “one, two, three.....” and followed her wherever she went; kitchen to bedroom to veranda and finally she said “Ok!!! I will talk to your papa”.

In evening papa came earlier than his usual time. “Get ready fast. We are going to mela”.
’Yeeaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!’ I jumped off my bed, got into my slippers and ran to pinki’s house, to check which toy she had bought exactly. What I found was a Barbie doll but there was commando jeep too. ‘Hey!! Whose jeep is that?’
‘That’s for my cousin brother’, she replied.

I came back with the same speed, almost breathless, “Papa.....”
Took a deep breath
“Papa...... it’s commando jeep.” My eyebrows stretched right into my forehead and smile was as wide as it could be.
“Relax, beta.....now get ready”

Really it was very far, it took us around 1 hour to reach there.
It was very crowded and I took some time to absorb what a mela is.
I was excited to find so many toy shops at one place but at times was getting bored when papa was going into some book shops.

“Papa leave my hand once, there is a pebble inside my shoe”. He left my hand; I took it out and held his fingers again. Standing at the ground I could only see the legs moving, I marked my father with his black pant.
I followed the blank pant and was happy that he came out of the book shop.

I looked up “Papa........now comman..d..o...” words dried in my mouth “You are not my papa”.
The man looked down and said....something......I said my name in a very trembling voice. I checked his pant colour again, it was black. He again said something in louder voice and I couldn’t hold it further I started crying ‘Ma........Ma...’ I couldn’t find them anywhere. My eyes roved everywhere, I cried louder, then I saw a brown pant, looked up, his dress and cap told me he is a police. The man said something to him and went away.
He took me near the main gate and gave me a chair to seat. He helped me as I struggled to climb on it.
I cried for all most 15 mins......and then I was wheezing.......Probably for the first time I in life I felt insecure I realized who my world is and without whom I am so alone.
I closed my eyes and said to GOD “Gimme back my Ma and papa and my sister..........I will do my homework......and won’t steal my sister’s chocolate”.

Police uncle came near to me and lifted me in his arms. I might have reminded him of his grandson or son or someone in his life.
“Ghar Kahaan hai”’
I said “Baroda”.
“I know ‘Baroda’ but where in Baroda”
I pointed my finger towards a driver less auto-rickshaw waiting outside the gate and said “He knows!!! He knows my school, drawing school......and he took me here with my Ma, papa and Sister!!! “
He smiled ....rather laughed, “ok ok samajh gaya”.
He put me back in the chair.
After a while, he offered me water.
As I lifted the glass and tilted it to drink, I saw HIM, from the corner of my eyes and screamed ‘PAPA’........the whole glass of water splashed on me ........as both of my hands went upwards may be out of jubilation or the relief.

Before police uncle could help me, I jumped off the chair; I fell, but got up and ran.
I ran .............clutched him around his knees, he lifted me up close to him, there was the same expression on his face as of mine...........may be out of jubilation or the relief. I started crying, rubbing my face on his shoulders.....I felt comfortable.......I felt happy ........I felt secure.
He said something to police uncle, shook hands and we left.
He asked “hey!!! Why are you crying now, I am here. We have found the commando jeep”.
”I don’t want jeep, please take me to Ma, where is she, why didn’t she came along with you.”
“She is searching you in the other part”.
I spotted Ma and didi at a distance; I went to her, she lifted me up and kissed me.

20 years passed after that...................

Almost everything changed except those which really matters to me. I am still a kid at home. Ma, papa and didi treat me as a kid and I behave as if I am really a one.
Some things should never change

Today it has been almost 7 years since I am staying away from them. Reasons are many my study, my job.
Sometime I feel as lonely as I felt in that mela. I feel strangulated. But then the desire of achieving a new commando jeep everyday compels me to continue. Sometime I ponder, can these commando jeeps make me happy.
My grandma used to say “Son whatever tastiest curry you get but you can’t enjoy that until you don’t have rice on your plate”. Ya I am not enjoying them without my Ma, papa and my sister.
Still I long for............. those walks in the evening with Ma when I used to tell her what happened in school.........those nights when I used to clutch my papa around his tummy and would fall asleep..............those silly pranks I used play on my didi.

The tears rolled down my cheeks but I wiped them off before my roomie could see them.
After all, men are not supposed to cry

Wanna Fight..........Just a sec!!!!!!!!

I thanked God as I could successfully board the crowded train. As expected I didn’t get a seat but I managed myself to find a place to stand. Thinking of the sweet weekend that has just passed in my Mausi’s place, I chuckled on my own.
The old gentle man standing in front of me reminded me of my Mausaji. As my eyes started to scan the compartment for pretty faces, I felt a jerk (later I came to know that it was because the train changed its tracks); the jerk was a bit stronger than the usual ones. All most everybody who were standing lost their balance. Somehow I controlled myself but found the old person in front of me was going to collide with an iron bar. I hold his arm and prevented the collision. (I felt proud of my strength and my heart said bravo!!!! What a high moral values.)
As he gained controlled he turned towards me, I looked up and expected a big THANK YOU from him. He looked at me with amazement and said “Hey you!!! Why did you push me, what the hell you think of yourself?”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “What are you talking about!!!? You were falling and I saved you” I said in a much louder than my usual tone and found by now lot of people had found interest in this entertainment episode.
“Saved my foot!!! You and your arrogant generation are good for nothing” He mumbled to himself. I didn’t reply as I didn’t want to drag it further and gave a sarcastic smile to those who were watching me as B grade movie villain”.
I looked outside the window.
After an hour I got down at howrah and decided to catch bus from the other end of howrah bridge. My fascination for howrah bridge hasn’t dipped even by an inch as compared to when, I first saw it, at the age of 4. As I walked a few steps, the cool breeze kissed my cheeks and played with my hairs. For the time being kolkata allowed me to forget it’s sticky humidity. I could hear the faint sound of ferries coming from far below.
My mind went back to what happened in train and tried to figure out why it happened. I tried to save him but why did he react in that manner. As a fresh breeze swept my face I closed my eyes and could see the whole puzzle unravelling in front of me.
As I brooded more I realized that, he might have felt that I had pushed him or maybe he had gained his balance by the time I had caught him or he might have thought I had used him to save myself from falling.
Both of us thought, we were right (may be because we human beings are expected not to be wrong anytime). Though none of us were wrong but in no time we started hating each other. I realized similar sort of event is happening umpteen numbers of times every day and everywhere. And I discovered the sole reason of all our fights.
I remembered the words of my father, he said, when I was weeping after a fight with one of my friend ‘Nobody is right and nobody is wrong it does all depend who and how interpret the situation.’ Had this thought had come to me at that time I wouldn’t have even behaved rudely with that gentleman. A wave of guilt churned inside my stomach. But it’s never late. And I promised myself to fight my every fight only after getting into the other’s shoes.
Suddenly I heard a blaring sound and as I came out of my reverie I found myself in front of the traffic and a sardarji taxi driver is blowing the horn. I smiled and said “Sorry it’s surely not your fault and may be not mine either”. The sardarji waved back an ear to ear smile and said “oye koi nahi yaar”!!!!!
I closed my eyes and said “Thank you Sir, you taught me great lesson.”

Freewill

Does education leads towards reality or towards something which majority feel correct. But it does wonder most of the times when it compels us to contemplate in any particular issue. I believe that’s the most important role of education.
And today it did one more wonder when a question came in class ‘what is the difference between human being and animal.’
As our professors said and so does the research- ‘It’s the free will’. It’s something which we have but they don’t. Animals always act in a predetermined manner. Though, the basket of their predetermined manners may contain more than one action. But in case of human being no such basket exists. This factor of ‘freewill’ creates all the uncertainties in the human behaviour. Though we may feel blessed for such a gift but then we should also know that ‘free-will’ is the only reason why only human being can commit suicide and no other species can. (So everything comes with a price).
Really the concept of free will tickled me. Not until I thought........What about love? Is that genetically coded or is it a free will. Though, it is both a human as well as animal behaviour. But then I see a lot of free will existing in LOVE.
Then my friend Mudit argued –“If love is true then it is genetically coded otherwise it is a will. True love can’t be temporal.” On contrary I feel even true love can be temporal and freewill has a fair amount of role to play in it.
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Neil loved John as a friend (True love). Incidentally, John is a contract killer. When Neil came to know that John is on a wrong path; he dint lose confidence immediately, rather wanted (and tried) to bring him in right path.. (Illustrating one of the features of true love). But Neil didn’t succeed in his attempt. As Jhon denies leaving his profession, Neil gets disappointed and keeps safe distance. (Though the love doesn’t come to a halt)
But one day the contract killer Jhon kills Neil's girlfriend Sharon (nothing personal only out of profession).............
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I feel Neil’s freewill has role to play to determine their(Neil-John) course of love(friendship).
What say guys (of course gals too)!!!!!!!!!